The Gift of a Good Marriage
Ephesians 5:21-33 and Proverbs 31:10-31
It's real easy to poke fun at love and marriage as they are commonly understood in our culture. Perhaps too easy. I saw a "Calvin and Hobbes" cartoon a while back. Calvin asks Hobbes, "What's it like to fall in love?" Hobbes thinks for a moment and then responds, "Well, say the object of your affection walks by...First your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you babble like a cretin until she leaves." Calvin shouts, "That's LOVE?" And Hobbes says, "Medically speaking."
In our culture the lessons we are taught about love sometimes create confusion and chaos. I know a grown man-a smart, well-educated grown man-who thinks his favorite night-time soap opera is "really cool and the way life really should be" and he doesn't understand why his relationships never seem to work out. The key phrase here "night-time soap opera.” But frankly, it's tough to blame him too much. It's easy to pity him, but tough to blame him, for we live in a culture in which the meaning of love is defined much, much more by Valentine's Day than Good Friday. Literally millions and millions of children will exchange Valentine's cards in school celebrating a secular vision of love...and literally hundreds, or maybe thousands, will attend a Good Friday service in which we celebrate a sacred vision of love: Jesus on the Cross.
The confusion kids experience can be pretty comical. I saw a list of kids' responses to a bunch of questions. You might have seen this list too. Question: "How do you decide who to marry?" Answer: "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports...and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Question: "What do most people do on a date?" Answer: "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Question: "When is it ok to kiss someone?" Answer: "When they're rich." Question: "What do you think your mom and dad have in common?" Answer: "Both don't want no more kids?" Question: "How can you tell if two people are married?" Answer: "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." And, last but certainly not least, Question: "How would you make a marriage work?" Answer: "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
The two most significant things most of us do after confessing Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord are marriage and parenting. But isn't it scary that these two things are precisely two of the easiest things in the world for us to do. We have to go to school for years before we are allowed to work. We have to take a class and a test to drive a car. But we can get married if we have $75 for the license, and we can have kids for free. Do we see the problem here? Kids are learning how to be married, and the only training they receive is the model they witness in the home. If the model is good, super. But if the model is twisted, there is a problem. So we are left with grown men who thinks night time soap operas are really cool and the way life should really be.
*****
The Book of Proverbs is a slap back into reality, water in the face, a trumpet's call of reveille. Here is training. Here is instruction the endures. Here is a much needed corrective. Proverbs 31 is not just about women. While it is true that "a wife of noble character...is worth far more than rubies," and "her husband...lacks no good thing," I take this chapter as a word about modern marriage. In the ancient times, it was a word written by men, for men, about men's lives, but its deep truth applies to all of us. Let's look at that truth for a bit.
In a sense, we can say that Proverbs 31 is about love. What is love? Here is a good description. Not sexy. Not romantic. Certainly not a night time soap, but oh, so very real. Our life together is not filled with moment after moment of high impact romance. No, what is worthy of our devotion is the kind of person who has the good sense and maturity to do what is necessary both within and without.
• Within one's self the person worthy of our love and devotion is a person of good character who "brings good, not harm, all the days of one's life." Such a person is one "clothed with strength and dignity," one who "laughs at the days to come" for strong character can withstand anything. Such a person is one who "fears the Lord."
• Within one's family the person worthy of our love and devotion is a person who cares for one's spouse, parents and children. Such a person is one whose children "arise and called her blessed." (Kids, when was the last time you took a moment to count and consider all the ways your parents take care of you, and then to thank them?) Such a person is one who "watches over the affairs of the household" and "who speaks with wisdom and [has] faithful instruction [on] her tongue."
• And without the person worthy of our love and devotion is such a person of industry and integrity and intellect that commerce and compassion flow outward toward all. Such a person can select the right product (wool and flax), consider the next strategic move and act upon it (like buying a field), and yet is thrifty enough "to plant a vineyard of her own earnings." Such a person is one who "sets about her work vigorously," and "sees that her trading is profitable," yet "opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy."
"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman (or a man) who fears the Lord is to be praised." If all we do is seek to live according to the flesh, we will live skin deep. But if we want to experience life at a deeper level, we must live according to the Spirit. The deep truth about marriage from the Book of Proverbs is how very unglamorous it is. The deep truth is that character counts more than charm, love is about a lot more than looks.
David lived his life back in the time when men could be blessed with more than one wife. Among the seven David had were Abigail and Bathsheba. When we last talked about Abigail, she was the wife of Nabal. When we last talked about Bathsheba, she was the wife of Uriah. These were second marriages for both women. Abigail, you might remember, kept David from killing Nabal. Bathsheba inspired David to kill Uriah. Abigail's beauty was primarily inner, a wisdom, courage and character that provoked David to remember God. Bathsheba's beauty was primarily outer, a delight to the eyes that provoked David to forget God. Abigail rescued David. Bathsheba, through no fault of her own, nearly destroyed him. Which marriage do you think was more helpful to David?
There is a sacramental quality to marriage. A sacrament is something common, ordinary-like bread and wine and water-that becomes the vehicle, the instrument, through which we encounter God. In Protestant theology, marriage is not a sacrament, but it has that quality to it. Now, in Roman Catholic theology, marriage is a sacrament. Marriage is seen as a primary instrument through which we receive God's grace to us. This is why Roman Catholic priests will often draw a hard line about whom a Catholic can marry. More than living together is at stake. For Catholics, they believe Christ will be made known through this coming together of two lives, so if one partner does not and will not accept Christ's Church, well then there is something fundamentally wrong-not to mention spiritually wrong-with the marriage.
For Protestants we would call marriage a "Gift of Creation"; that is, as part of the original created order, it is God's gift to all people regardless of faith. And so we would not accept it as a sacrament, as a specific, Christ commanded instrument of receiving grace. Yet we can accept that there is a sacramental quality to marriage. There is a sense in which we can find the sacred in our lives together. Indeed, if we pay close attention, we discover God is in our midst. God is in our midst as we live lives of mutual submission to one another. God is in our midst as wives show respect to their husbands. God is in our midst as husbands show a self-sacrificing love toward their wives. God is in our midst as we live together a covenant of creativity, cooperation, care and commitment. In the midst of such a covenant is found the mystery of Christ's relationship with us. This may sound real fanciful as we remember what our spouse looked like this morning full of bed-head and morning breath. This may even sound absurd as we remember the last time we fought about money, sex, or power. But it is the deep truth of Scripture.
And it's there in our lives. Our job is to look for it. It's God's gift to help us see it.
In his book Mortal Lessons. Dr. Richard Selzer describes a couple who practiced sacred love. Selzer writes, "I stand by the bed where a young woman lies, her face postoperative, her mouth twisted in palsy, clownish. A tiny twig of the facial nerve, the one to the muscles of her mouth, has been severed. She will be thus from now on. The surgeon had followed with religious fervor the curve of her flesh; I promise you that. Nevertheless, to remove the tumor in her cheek, I had to cut the little nerve.
"Her husband is in the room. He stands on the opposite side of the bed and together they seem to dwell in the evening lamplight, isolated from me, private. Finally, the young woman speaks, 'Will my mouth always be like this?' she asks. 'Yes.' I say, 'it will. It is because the nerve was cut.' She nods and is silent. But the young man smiles. 'I like it,' he says, 'It is kind of cute.'
"All at once I know who he is. I understand and I lower my gaze. One is not bold in an encounter with a [saint.] Unmindful, the young man bends to kiss her crooked mouth and I am so close I can see how he twists his own lips to accommodate to hers, to show her that their kiss still works."
In that act is expressed the mystery of Christ. It may not be a sacrament, but it is a better Valentine's than most of us can ever hope to receive, for it is true love. It is Christ's love lived out together.
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